"Do you know what the French say for 'orgasm'?" he said abruptly.
that happened to be a very abrupt statement. I appreciated how, in the story, the meeting of ami and zoisite was filled with awkwardness and the touch of realism it added to the fantastical elements. paris seems to be a pretty cliched place for old lovers to meet, but I think that you handed it well. I would have liked to see more physical description, if the city is such a large part of the fic it would have been nice to see it take up more space. also, even though we know who the main characters are, it would have been nice to have more physical description of them as well. I almost feel like it would have benefited to have the whole thing just fleshed out more. it felt like the showcasing the language was the main point of the piece, which was an interesting change. some of your sentences seem awkward, like they are missing rhythm when mixing with each other, but overall the flow is nice. if you had held it back for another quick edit, I'm sure that you would have been able to catch the sentences that are missing subject or predicate. and I'm not sure if it was your intention, but I noticed that with the short sentences, things seemed clipped and brisk. it was an interesting contrast with what seemed to be a leisurely day. I also found myself wondering how zoisite had gone from rock to person, and why it seemed that if he had, how he would be in europe without ami's knowledge of his existance. or did ami know that he was alive beforehand? I am not sure how these could have been resolved without interrupting the flow of the story. but I'm not sure that if I had randomly met an ex-lover that had tried and succeeded in killing me on the streets of a city, that I would stop and go to supper with him. it seemed sort of implausible to me that they would spend all day together after all their time apart and not speak at all about the circumstances of their past. it would have been an interesting twist, to make it bittersweet, if you had made it so that they were determined to act as though the past had not happened, and to deny all old feelings. I had a nice fuzzy feeling coming off the end of the story, which means that this was an effective and nice reading piece of fluff. if I could be nitpicky, just from a reading perspective, I would've like more of a substantial break between the end of the fic and the beginning of the translations. I wasn't sure, however, whether or not this was a one-night stand or the beginnings of a longer lasting relationship, and I didn't get a sense that they had decided either. I also appreciated the sense of sexual tension between them, and because it was so effective I wanted it to last for longer. overall, it was a pleasant piece and quite effective. nice work.
no subject
that happened to be a very abrupt statement.
I appreciated how, in the story, the meeting of ami and zoisite was filled with awkwardness and the touch of realism it added to the fantastical elements. paris seems to be a pretty cliched place for old lovers to meet, but I think that you handed it well. I would have liked to see more physical description, if the city is such a large part of the fic it would have been nice to see it take up more space. also, even though we know who the main characters are, it would have been nice to have more physical description of them as well. I almost feel like it would have benefited to have the whole thing just fleshed out more. it felt like the showcasing the language was the main point of the piece, which was an interesting change.
some of your sentences seem awkward, like they are missing rhythm when mixing with each other, but overall the flow is nice. if you had held it back for another quick edit, I'm sure that you would have been able to catch the sentences that are missing subject or predicate. and I'm not sure if it was your intention, but I noticed that with the short sentences, things seemed clipped and brisk. it was an interesting contrast with what seemed to be a leisurely day.
I also found myself wondering how zoisite had gone from rock to person, and why it seemed that if he had, how he would be in europe without ami's knowledge of his existance. or did ami know that he was alive beforehand? I am not sure how these could have been resolved without interrupting the flow of the story. but I'm not sure that if I had randomly met an ex-lover that had tried and succeeded in killing me on the streets of a city, that I would stop and go to supper with him. it seemed sort of implausible to me that they would spend all day together after all their time apart and not speak at all about the circumstances of their past. it would have been an interesting twist, to make it bittersweet, if you had made it so that they were determined to act as though the past had not happened, and to deny all old feelings.
I had a nice fuzzy feeling coming off the end of the story, which means that this was an effective and nice reading piece of fluff. if I could be nitpicky, just from a reading perspective, I would've like more of a substantial break between the end of the fic and the beginning of the translations. I wasn't sure, however, whether or not this was a one-night stand or the beginnings of a longer lasting relationship, and I didn't get a sense that they had decided either.
I also appreciated the sense of sexual tension between them, and because it was so effective I wanted it to last for longer.
overall, it was a pleasant piece and quite effective. nice work.